domestic abuse Archives

10 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

by Cassandra Love 10 mins read

Being in a relationship with another human can be a beautiful, fulfilling thing. But not always. While there are relationships that just seem to work, others can quickly (or slowly, or subtly) cross the line from healthy to unhealthy. In fact, any one of us could end up in what’s known as a toxic relationship. One that we might be unwilling to call actually abusive, but that is just as bad for our mental health.

We’re not talking about occasional arguments – those can even be healthy for a relationship. We’re talking about no longer feeling happy in your relationship, dreading spending time with the person you once ran to, or feeling disrespected or even unsafe. When a relationship turns toxic, it can leave you feeling defeated, drained, and lost, but you might not even realize why you’re feeling that way. So it’s important to learn the signs of a toxic relationship, and what you need to do if you recognize your partnership in those signs.

10 Tell-Tale Signs of a Toxic Relationship

As we said, there is a difference between a healthy relationship that might just need some work (yeah, communication is hard!) and a really unhealthy, toxic one that could be potentially harmful. But when you’re right in the middle of things, it can be hard to see what’s really going on. Red flags might be popping up all around you. But you might not be seeing them for what they are, or you might not want to see them.

So if you’re evaluating the health of your relationship, you can start by asking yourself a few fundamental questions. For example, you can start as simple as “How do I feel around my partner?” According to Lillian Glass, Ph.D., communication and body language expert, a toxic person is anyone who makes you feel uneasy in their presence or bad about yourself, so this is important to consider. Also, ask yourself whether your relationship issues feel chronic: is there chronic disrespect in your interactions, for example? And how about this: do you feel emotionally safe?

Those questions are a good start. But you should also familiarize yourself with the most common signs that your relationship has turned toxic. Remembering that these signs can be totally obvious or really subtle. Check out the following:

1. There is a lack of trust

Trust should be the bedrock of any relationship. And we’re not just talking about trusting your partner to be faithful, if that’s something you’ve agreed upon. We’re also talking about trust in the bigger, emotional sense: your partner should be the person that you can be vulnerable with. And if you can’t trust them not to abuse that vulnerability, that’s a major problem. You should be able to trust that your partner will act in the best interest of your relationship. So if you don’t feel like they are, or trust that they will, you are probably in a toxic relationship.

2. There is a lack of support

Similar to feeling like you trust your partner, you should also feel like you can rely on your partner in other senses, like they have your back and will support and encourage you. If things get competitive between you, or if you feel like your needs and wants aren’t important to them, things are probably pretty unhealthy. After all, according to relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo, “Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life.”

3. Your communication is unhealthy/toxic/hostile

As we said, occasionally arguing is not necessarily a bad thing in a relationship. But toxic communication is a whole different thing, and it can include the big, obvious things like yelling, name-calling, using your body to intimidate the other person, and throwing and breaking things. But hostile/toxic communication can also come in subtler forms, like:

The silent treatment
Relying on “you statement” accusations/turning everything around on you
Defensiveness
Constantly interrupting
Sarcasm, criticism, and contempt
Gaslighting/questioning your own experiences

If your partner reacts in these ways when confronted, or even in everyday life, they’re not genuinely listening and respecting your feelings.

4. You don’t feel comfortable around them

If you’re changing who you are around your partner, maybe out of fear of them ridiculing or criticizing you. And you don’t feel like you can truly be yourself around them, you’ve got a big problem. You might even feel controlled into being a certain way, or unattractive and not your best self around them. But it can be even more than that: you might even start getting visceral, physical reactions around them, like stomach issues or problems eating, which is a huge red flag!

5. They are trying to control you

If your partner is engaging in controlling behaviors, it’s time to really reevaluate things. Maybe they are constantly asking where you are and what you’re doing. Or get annoyed when you don’t immediately respond to texts and bombard you with messages. However small these things seem, they could point to not just a lack of trust, but a need to control you, which could escalate into a seriously toxic, or even abusive, situation. One thing in particular to look out for is your partner threatening you with the loss of something, or with taking something away (like money, time with your family, etc).

6. You feel disrespected

Everyone is late now and again or forgets something important. But if things like this are constantly happening you might be getting the sense in your relationship that they just don’t value you as they should. This is a tricky one, because some people just struggle with this kind of thing. So it’s important to talk to your partner about it and gauge where these behaviors are coming from.

7. The relationship is filled with dishonesty

If your partner is constantly lying to you, even about small things, that’s a sign that they just don’t respect you as they should. And they don’t deserve your trust. On the other hand, you might feel like you have to lie to your partner about certain things, maybe so you don’t anger them, or so you can get out of spending time with them, and that’s also a big red flag.

8. You’re doing all the giving, and they’re doing all the taking

A relationship should always be a two-way street. If you find yourself constantly living your life around their needs, and feel like yours are being ignored, you could be in a toxic relationship. According to Kamil Lewis, AMFT, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California, “Being considerate of your partner is one thing, but if you find yourself saying no to yourself frequently to say yes to them, you might want to consider setting some boundaries. If they dismiss, belittle, or bulldoze your boundaries, that could also be a sign of a toxic relationship.”

9. You think “If only they were more like this” or you’re constantly making excuses for them

It’s a tale as old as time: you get into a relationship with someone thinking you can change them. But in most cases, you just can’t. You can’t change the fundamental characteristics of a person, and you should love them for who they are, not despite who they are. In addition, if you’re feeling like you constantly have to defend who they are, you might want to talk to your friends and family. They might be seeing something you’re having a hard time acknowledging.

10. Your other relationships, and your self-care, are suffering

Whether it’s because you are tired of defending your partner to your friends and family. Or they are actively pulling you away from your other support system, losing (or diminishing) other important relationships in your life is a huge red flag that things are getting toxic with your partner. And if you’re ignoring the other things in life that are good for you, like your own self-care, and you’re feeling drained and unhappy, you’ve also got a big issue to deal with.

The Next Steps

The above are by no means the only signs that you’re in a toxic relationship. But they’re some pretty major ones. As we said earlier, it’s important that you reflect on and question your relationship if things don’t feel right. And when you do, you might see other signs of toxicity that need to be addressed.

But what does it mean to address them? What do you do after you’ve determined you’re in a toxic relationship? First of all, show yourself some kindness. You didn’t set out to enter into a toxic relationship. And you need to take a step back emotionally and give yourself some love.

Next, if you think this is a relationship worth working on, you can talk to your partner and see if they will both recognize and work to reverse the toxicity. Doing so will most likely mean therapy, and definitely mean – yes – doing a whole lot of work. As Debra Roberts, LCSW, an interpersonal communication and relationship expert and author, says: “If people are motivated to change, capable of change, and willing to show up to do the work, then a good therapist can help them learn healthier behaviors and ways of communicating.”

For example, you might be able to salvage things (if you want) if you and/or your partner can:

Accept responsibility
Invest time and effort
Shift from blaming to listening and understanding
Practice healthier communication
Be willing to seek outside help and support
Give space for the other to change
Work on your own healing

But remember, you can only control yourself. So if they’re not going to show up for your relationship, it’s probably better to end it.

In addition, if there are signs that toxicity is turning to abuse, there is no healthy future for your relationship and you should seek help/get out of the relationship. These signs can also be glaring or subtle, and include:

Physical, emotional, and sexual violence
Taking control of finances
Coercion
Gaslighting
Isolation
Intense fear of what might happen if you leave the relationship

In the end, any relationship marked by a lack of trust, support, emotional safety, and respect is not a relationship that is going to enhance your life. You’ll need to ask yourself some tough questions if you’re experiencing this, and decide whether it’s worth working on your relationship, or whether you’re simply risking your own mental health. You don’t have to accept what is bad for you, and if your partner is not willing to be part of a healthy give and take, you don’t have to accept them in your life.

And if you’re in an abusive relationship, talk to your loved ones if you can, and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which provides services at no cost and offers 24/7 chat and phone support.

Co-written by Joanna Bowling

A Collective History of the Fight Against Domestic Violence

by Cassandra Love 8 mins read

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and it still feels very much like we need this time to highlight the serious problem of violence within intimate relationships. But one thing we can say about the 2020s is that, at the very least, we now recognize that domestic violence is a violent, serious problem. There was a time when domestic abuse was hidden behind closed doors, and considered a private matter. But there were groups of women who set about to change that in the 70s, and while the problem has obviously not been solved, they helped bring us to the point where we are today. And now we can shine a light on the problem and continue to work towards changing things.

Putting a Name to a Problem

Domestic violence, or domestic or intimate partner abuse, is by no means a new problem: in fact, it’s probably one of the oldest problems plaguing modern humanity. But the, well, problem was that we didn’t recognize it as a “problem.” Up until the 1970s, domestic violence was virtually ignored by the legal and medical professions, and by society in general. If the subject did come up in a scholarly way, it was usually briefly mentioned in a journal of psychiatry, as a rare occurrence that was due to a psychological disorder. And often, it was written about as something that was women’s fault, something that they somehow “provoked.”

And outside of the scholarly world, society at large generally saw violence against women in the home as a private matter, something that should stay behind closed doors. That meant police and medical professionals were reluctant to get involved. And, just as horrifyingly, it was also seen as a joking matter. Popular cartoons and TV shows made what were meant to be lighthearted references to hitting wives; another disturbing example is an ad for a Michigan bowling alley that sported the big, bold pun: “HAVE SOME FUN. BEAT YOUR WIFE TONIGHT.”

So the pre-1970s world was a time when violence against women was not recognized as a problem, even if it did exist, and so there was almost no help to be had. The idea of the category of an “abused woman” looking for help did not exist, and even the few and nonspecific resources for people who were in crisis and unhoused were completely inadequate. For example, in the early 1970s in Los Angeles, there were homeless shelters that provided 1000 beds for men, and only 30 for women.

There were no resources for women who were suffering, and they weren’t even afforded the dignity of having their suffering recognized. But then the world began to change, and women took matters into their own hands.

The Activism and Organizations that Began to Change Things

We can give much of the credit for changing the seemingly hopeless situation laid out above to the women involved in the feminist movement of the 1970s. They saw the 2-4 million women who were beaten in their homes annually (in fact, many of the women in the early “battered women’s movement” were survivors of domestic abuse themselves) and took up the banner at a time when women were agitating for change.

In the mid-1970s, these feminist activists and survivors organized under the banner “We will not be beaten,” and launched a nationwide campaign to expose what was really going on – as well as to demand change from law enforcement, the medical profession, and all of society.

Demanding is one thing, and taking matters into your hands and finding practical solutions is another. These women also set out to do that, in addition to trying to change policy and get the attention of people in power. They set out to create support networks and shelters for abused women, and they were admirably successful. Between 1975 and 1978, more than 170 battered women’s shelters opened across the country; by 1978, there were over 300 shelters, hotlines, and groups advocating for abused women.

Many of these initiatives were started by collectives of women. They include:

Women Against Abuse

This organization was started in 1976 as a part-time domestic violence hotline in a neighborhood women’s center. Based on what they heard from the women who called in, they worked to open an emergency shelter in 1977. This shelter started out in a small row home, and despite no publicity, was filled to over capacity overnight. WAB eventually expanded to a space given by the city of Philadelphia, and also began to offer legal support. They have only continued to expand their services since then, and are still going strong.

Chicago Abused Women Coalition

Now known as Connections for Abused Women and Their Children, CAWC began after a kitchen-table meeting in 1976 to address the problem of domestic violence. This one meeting formed a task form that created the first domestic violence program in Chicago, which eventually became a hotline and an emergency shelter. They are also still going strong; in 2018 alone, they provided over 30,000 hours of domestic violence services.

Women’s Advocates

Known by many as the first shelter for women and their children escaping domestic abuse, Women’s Advocates was formed as a collective-based nonprofit in 1972. They operated out of a legal assistance office, then one of the founding volunteers’ homes, then in a rented office space. It began essentially as a divorce rights information line – a number for women to call to get legal information and advice about leaving their abusive partners. But the volunteers soon realized that the biggest obstacle for these women was the lack of a safe place to stay. So they decided to write letters asking friends, family, and members of the community for funds in order to purchase a permanent shelter. And within two years, they had collected enough funds to make a down payment on a house in St. Paul, Minnesota. According to their website, “Today, Women’s Advocates provides shelter and services for up to 50 victim-survivors and their children daily, conducts crisis interventions and safety referrals via the crisis line daily, and educates students and professionals about domestic abuse awareness, prevention and services.

And the above three organizations are just a few examples of the collective organizations that came from women, for women. Others, to name just a few, include:

First Step (Wayne County, MI)

Women & Children First: The Center Against Family Violence (Little Rock, AK)

The Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence

Partnership Against Domestic Violence (Atlanta, GA)

Austin Center for Battered Women

The hard work of the women who fought against domestic violence, and those who started these organizations, did pay off, and they did get a whole lot of attention for their cause. In fact, according to activist Susan Schechter in her account of the battered women’s movement, by the early 1980s, “in contrast to just one decade earlier, battered women are no longer invisible.” Thanks to them, we have hotlines, shelters, other resources, and a name for what is happening to far too many women.

But Schechter, and anyone who has their eyes open, would agree that we need to keep going.

Where We Are Today

While the work that the women of the late 20th century did was crucial and monumental, we’re still nowhere near where we need to be. Considering that it took until the 1990s to get an act passed by Congress to address violence against women (the 1994 Violence Against Women Act), it can often feel like women are still not really being heard. And the statistics surrounding domestic violence are still staggering.

Consider the following stats from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling) by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.
1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner.
Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.

Fortunately, thanks to a lot of hard work by a lot of women both past and present, we can name this violence, and we can fight back against stigma and indifference. But there’s no denying that domestic violence is still a problem. So let’s get aware, not just this month but every month, and lend our support to organizations both old and new that are still working hard to combat this very real problem.

Co-written by Joanna Bowling

Recognizing Financial Abuse

by Cassandra Love 7 mins read

Domestic (or partner) abuse, whether it’s emotional or physical, shatters lives. But if there’s anything positive we can say on this topic, it’s that, as a society, we’ve finally begun recognizing it, and taking steps at least towards helping those who are experiencing it and those who have survived it. But if we are just talking about emotional or physical abuse, we’re actually failing to recognize a serious form of abuse that either comes before or goes hand-in-hand with other types of abuse, and is often the reason that someone cannot leave their abusive situation: financial abuse. Knowing the signs of this type of abuse is vital to protecting yourself or someone you love from spiraling into a situation that you, or they, might not be able to get out of.

Financial Abuse by the Numbers

If you’re unfamiliar with the term “financial abuse,” or have never really thought about it, you’re not alone: although financial abuse occurs in at least 98% of abusive situations, 78% of Americans don’t recognize it as a form of abuse. Not only that, but a study by the Allstate Foundation found that only 3% of Americans thought financial abuse would likely cause long-term effects, compared to emotional (43%) and physical abuse (22%).

But the above couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only is financial abuse the number one reason people return to toxic relationships, which already makes this type of abuse a serious crisis for those experiencing it, but it also has long-lasting effects on their lives, and even society at large. For example, someone who has had their credit cards maxed out by a partner who refuses to pay the bills will have their credit ruined, and will then have issues finding housing, purchasing a vehicle, or obtaining student loans. And without access to economic resources, survivors will then find their safety and long-term security at risk.

And the above happens in a majority of abusive situations: 59% of people who experience financial abuse have their credit ruined by their partner, and 70% are not able to have a job, with 59% of them having lost their job because of their abuser. Survivors lose nearly $53,000 in lost wages over their lifetime; not only that, but their communities and society at large suffer losses, as well, since victims of financial abuse lose a total of 8 million paid work days a year, with the estimated overall workplace productivity costs totaling $1.3 trillion.

These are some pretty grim statistics, and should be eye-opening. Financial abuse is a real problem and is happening all around us – so how can you recognize it in either your or someone else’s relationship?

Recognizing the Signs of Financial Abuse

According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, financial (or economic) abuse “is when one intimate partner has control over the other partner’s ability to access, acquire, use or maintain economic resources, which diminishes the victim’s capacity to support themselves and forces intentioned dependence.” In other words, one partner controls the other’s finances, isolating them and trapping them in the relationship, and they are left unable to see a way out of their situation. That’s why it’s so critical for people to be able to recognize financial abuse before it escalates into a totally ruined credit history and an inability to work to earn a living.

And, while it can be difficult to identify, because there isn’t one way to handle money in all relationships, there are some common tactics that abusers use:

Preventing you from using your resources

Withholding money or giving an “allowance”
Not giving you access to bank accounts
Hiding or lying about joint assets
Keeping you in the dark about or not allowing you control over household finances or how your money is spent
Refusing to pay child support
Denying access to a car, a phone, the internet, or other utilities
Making large financial decisions without you
Withholding financial information such as account passwords, account numbers, and investment information
Making threats to cut you off financially when you disagree

Preventing you from getting or keeping a job

Forbidding you from working outside of the home, or telling you where you can or cannot work
Stalking or harassing you at your workplace
Forcing you to be late, or to miss or leave work (for example, they might promise to watch the children, but not show up)
Cutting off your transportation to work
Forbidding your from attending trainings or opportunities for job advancement, or interfering with further education
Criticizing and minimizing your job or career choices
Pressuring you to quit your job (sometimes by using guilt, and using your children as an excuse)

Exploiting your resources

Forcing you to sign financial documents without explanations
Insisting you share your income, but not sharing theirs
Forcing you to write bad checks or file fraudulent legal financial documents
Pressuring you to be a co-signer or guarantor
Coercing you to go into debt, or forcing you to overspend on credit cards
Using your personal information or assets against your will or without your knowledge
Converting your assets into their own
Keeping all assets their name, while forcing you to keep all debt in your name only
Requiring you to bail them out of difficult financial situations
Ruining your credit history by running up bills and then not paying them
Intercepting or opening your bank statements and other financial records

It’s important to remember: someone who uses any of these tactics, whether it’s one or all or them, is financially abusive. So if you are experiencing any of the above, what can you do?

What You Can Do

If you experience financial abuse, reach out to someone you can trust, like a counselor or domestic advice counselor.

If you’ve ever heard someone wonder why someone experiencing domestic or partner violence doesn’t just leave, all of the above is a big part of the answer. In fact, as we pointed out above, financial abuse is the number one reason cited for staying in an abusive relationship – that’s why it’s so vital to address financial abuse right away before it escalates.

It’s unfortunately true that leaving an abusive situation is more than just difficult emotionally – it can also be life-threatening, and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post-breakup. If you or someone you know needs to get out of a situation like this, it is important to have a plan. First, reach out to someone you can trust, like a counselor or domestic advice counselor; if you don’t know who to turn to, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

Next, make copies of your financial data like credit cards and financial statements if it’s unsafe to take the originals, so you can prove later who owns (and owes) what. Keep these documents in a safe place where your partner can’t access them until you’re able to safely leave the relationship.

Financial abuse is just as damaging to someone experiencing it as any other kind of abuse; in fact, this type of abuse is usually inextricably linked to other types of abuse. Having your financial independence taken away can destroy your whole life, and trap you in a situation that gets more and more dangerous to your emotional and even physical health – that means it’s vital to get help as soon as you recognize the above signs in your life, or in the life of a loved one.