setting boundaries Archives

It’s OK to Not Be OK: How to Respond to That One Little Question

Hey – are you okay? It’s a question all of us get asked a lot, probably almost as much as “How are you?” And both of these little, innocent questions can seem much bigger if you’re going through something that’s making you feel “not okay.” So this Mental Health Awareness Month, we want to talk about the questions that are meant to be caring and/or simply polite, but can end up being endlessly awkward. So, if you’re not actually “okay,” how can you respond to these questions in ways that either:

Don’t open up wounds that you aren’t prepared to discuss with that particular person OR
Convey that you aren’t, in fact, okay, and begin an open discussion about what’s going on and what you need?

It’s OK to Not Be OK

First things first: we want to be really clear that it’s always okay to not be okay. We have all been through a lot the last few years, with fear, loneliness, and uncertainty creeping into the lives of even people who considered their mental states solid as a rock before 2020.

But it doesn’t have to be the recent pandemic, or even any major life event, that has you feeling anxious and/or depressed. Both of these are incredibly common issues that affect millions of people, so you are certainly not alone. In fact, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population, every year. Major depressive disorder (MDD) affects more than 16.1 million American adults, or about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older, in a given year, and persistent depressive disorder (PDD) affects approximately 1.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. And those are just some of the mental health concerns that affect people every day, and that can be made worse by difficult patches in life.

So yes, it’s okay to not be okay, but it is important to get help if you’re struggling. It takes courage to share that you aren’t okay, and that you need help, but insisting that everything is fine when it isn’t will only make things worse. So talk to a trusted professional, someone who you feel safe opening up to.

But if you are going through a time in your life when you’re struggling, it might be the smaller everyday interactions, the ones that seem less consequential, that might begin to feel difficult. So let’s look at how you can navigate those situations.

Steps for Dealing with THE QUESTION

If you know you’re going to have difficulty answering the questions “Are you okay?” or “How are you?” with some polite small talk, think about the following strategies:

1. Think about who you want to have this conversation with

Just as it’s always okay to not be okay, it’s also okay to not want to discuss your mental state with everyone who inquires, no matter how well-intentioned they might be. In fact, if you are going through a very difficult time, it can make things feel even more emotionally draining, or prolong a grieving process, if you’re constantly being asked “Are you okay?”

Some of the people asking you this are curious (and they can be politely assured that you will be fine if you’re not ready to satisfy their curiosity), and others need to reassure themselves that they are doing their part to “be there for you.” You can be honest with them that you are indeed going through a difficult time, but it’s okay for you to talk about other things for now.

But there are other people who you can open to when they ask about your mental state, people in your life who have the right skills to provide emotional support, and an empathetic ear. These people don’t even have to be in your immediate family or your closest circle of friends, but if they’re ready to offer their optimism and empathy, or constructive ideas if that’s what you need, they might just be the right person to lean on.

2. Consider the intentions of the person asking

red question mark with a silhouette of a person in front of it — *Consider who is asking you if you are okay before answering, so you know if they are genuine or not.*

Similarly to thinking ahead of time about who you want to open up to, when confronted with the actual questions “Are you okay,” “How are you,” etc, it’s okay to take a beat and consider the intentions behind the question. First of all, who’s asking? Are they someone you are close to, someone you believe truly cares about you? Or are they a more casual acquaintance who’s just asking the question in a polite, automatic way?

If you determine that this is not someone who you would trust with your intimate secrets, or even if you just don’t feel comfortable opening up, it’s okay to simply be polite and indicate with your answer that you’re not really up for talking about things on a deeper level. Try responding with something like:

I’m hanging in there, thank you so much for asking. How about you?
Ugh, we’re all going through tough times, right? How about we talk about some good stuff?
Life is tough, but so are we, right? What’s going on with you?
(If they still persist) You know, I’m just processing some stuff right now, and I’m not really ready to talk about it, but I appreciate your concern.

On the other hand, if the person asking is really asking, and they are someone with whom you’re willing to share your emotions, don’t be afraid to reach out. You can simply say, “Actually, it’s been a really tough week. Would you be up for talking about it with me?” You might find that you can be relieved of some of your heavy burden, if only for the time that it takes to get coffee together. Or you might even come away with some new ideas and a new outlook on how to get further support.

3. Think about how answering will affect you

As we’ve said, these little questions can really take their toll, for a variety of reasons. Being asked them can feel like a reopening of wounds, or being asked them might make you feel like it’s just so obvious that you’re not okay. You might even worry that opening up will be a burden on the people asking. So step back, take a breath. Remember, you don’t have to answer everyone with a bearing of your soul, and those who you do want to open up to are your support system, and are asking you out of genuine concern.

But what about the people in between? Those asking out of concern, and with whom you want to open up to to a certain extent, but who you might not always want to tell all the details? There’s a way to find a balance.

4. Set boundaries

How do you find that balance? Remember that it’s great to have multiple people you can open up to when you feel you need to, but that you won’t always want to open up fully to everyone all the time – and there are ways you can express that to these people in your life. For example, if you start feeling like a friend that you’ve opened up to is now constantly walking on eggshells, asking you “Are you okay? How are you?” in a certain way, you can tell them that not every conversation you have has to be so heavy. Let them know how much you appreciate them being there for you, and you will take them up on their offer of support when you need it, but for now it’s totally okay for you to talk about all the little things you’ve always talked about as friends!

And on the subject of setting boundaries, remember also that you can set boundaries in the conversations that you choose to have. For example, if the person you’re talking to tries to hijack the conversation and steer it towards their solutions or wants to make it all about “fixing” your problem, and you’re not ready for that, it’s okay to tell them that right now you just want to vent. Kindly tell them that you appreciate them wanting to help, but really all you need/are ready for right now is someone to listen – and maybe further down the road you might want to discuss how to move forward.

5. Don’t take unhelpful responses personally – and find someone that IS helpful

So maybe you’ve chosen not to answer that “Are you okay?” or “How are you?” with polite chit chat, and you’ve told the truth – you’re not okay. And the person asking is completely unhelpful, uncomfortable, or brushes you off – that can feel devastating. But remember that their response is no reflection on your needs. They are still valid, it’s just that that person was perhaps not in the right place to respond to your needs, or maybe has something going on in their own life. Don’t let their response shut you down; it’s important to let someone else know you’re not okay, and continue to look for the help you need until you get it.

There’s no question about it: life can be tough. But so are you! That doesn’t mean, though, that you need to go it alone. If you’re “not okay,” please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you trust and take the first step in the process of healing.

Bullying Doesn’t Always Stop at the Playground: Dealing with Bullies as an Adult

There are some things you just want to be done with once you’re an adult, like braces, acne, homework, bedtimes (although you really should have those), and, without a doubt, bullying. But while the word “bully” might conjure up images of children or adolescents tormenting each other in the schoolyard, the truth is that there’s no age limit on being bullied, unfortunately. In fact, according to a 2017 survey by the American Osteopathic Association, adults are being bullied nearly as often as adolescents, with 31% of those surveyed admitting to experiencing “repeated, negative behavior intended to harm or intimidate.”

Maybe you’ve got a bully in your life: it could be a neighbor who’s always in your business, a controlling partner, an intimidating boss or colleague, a cliquey or rumor-spreading friend, a condescending family member, or even high-pressure salespeople or business owners. So what can you do? The first step is to recognize and name what is happening, then try using strategies to deal with the bullies that come into your life even in adulthood.

When Is It Bullying?

If you experienced or witnessed bullying as a kid, it was probably pretty obvious what was going on, but now that you’re an adult, you’re probably not being pushed into your locker or called names to your face. Being bullied as an adult can be more subtle, but it can also be pretty obvious, but we’re just reluctant to name it as such. So what does it look like?

Well, while bullies are often in a position of power over you, anyone can be a bully in your life – they’re usually trying to control you in some way or have some sort of power over you, and/or their behavior regularly makes you feel oppressed, belittled, humiliated, or de-energized. So, while bullying at work can definitely come from a boss who might belittle you, give you more work than others, guilt you for things like taking vacations, or constantly over-correct you, it could also come from colleagues in the form of:

Pettiness, rumor-spreading, insults, cliquiness, or even intimidating or threatening comments
Ignoring you, cutting you off when you’re trying to speak, intentionally cutting off necessary communication, or leaving you out when socializing
Disrespecting your time by always being late, putting everyone else’s requests ahead of yours, or purposefully not doing things when they say they will
Sabotaging your work, taking credit for your work, or making you a scapegoat for any problems that come up

If the bully is in your circle of family or friends, they might:

Engage in excessive criticism
Gaslight you, or try to manipulate you
Constantly play the victim and guilt-trip you
Try to control or “strong-arm” you
Threaten you with physical, financial, or emotional harm
Spread rumors or badmouth you
Shame you publicly
Initiate unwanted physical contact

When it comes down to it, you’ve just got to trust your instincts, and listen to that voice in your head saying that this relationship – no matter who it’s with – is toxic, and think about where it’s coming from and how you can deal with it.

Dealing with Bullying

hand with the word stop over it in red — *Bullies can damage you psychosocially and physically, but there are different ways you can deal with them so they leave you alone.*

So, there are a lot of types of bullies you could encounter as an adult, like verbal bullies, physical bullies, material bullies (or those who have some sort of tangible or formal power over you), passive-aggressive bullies, or even cyberbullies. Whatever their style of bullying is, it can be very damaging to you psychologically, as well as physically: experiencing bullying can cause headaches, poor concentration, muscle pain, sleep loss, anxiety, depression, frequent sick days, and decreased work productivity, and the stress of it can lead to more severe health problems, including high blood pressure and gastrointestinal issues. So what can you do?

The first thing you should remember is that the bullying is 100% not your fault, and it’s not happening to you because of anything you’ve done. In fact, while many bullies will pick on someone partly because they see that person as vulnerable, they might also do it because they feel threatened in some way by that person. After all, that old cliché that bullying comes from the bully’s own insecurities or feelings of powerlessness or inadequacy is probably actually true.

So should you feel sorry for your bully, then? Well, there’s never anything wrong with trying a little empathy, but you don’t have to feel bad for them – just use this knowledge as a way to flip the script. If you take the time to think about what the source of the bullying is, it might actually help you to take a breath, realize that the bullying isn’t about you, and then be able to have a clear enough head to implement the following strategies:

Try to remain calm (but also keep your boundaries)

Adult bullies are just like their (slightly) more childish counterparts: they want to get a reaction out of you. If you let them push your buttons, they’ll just end up using your reaction to try to expose your weaknesses – but that doesn’t mean you have to run away. Depending on the situation and what reaction it warrants, you might want to:

Respond to them in a totally normal way, using polite, unemotional language, and always making eye contact with them – you could even smile, or if you can, try to see the humor in the situation! All of this might just throw them off balance.
Remain completely unimpressed and ignore them, perhaps by simply walking away, or by pretending you didn’t hear their rude comment. Remember that old saying, you need to pick your battles? It definitely holds true with bullies, and sometimes just removing yourself from the space is the best course of action.
Pay attention to your body language: relax your muscles and show that you are not intimidated or stressed by them, and again maintain eye contact.
If it’s absolutely necessary to confront them, keep your composure, but use assertive language that maintains your emotional and physical boundaries. If they are a nonviolent bully, you can even show them that you are not afraid to call them out, and point out that what they are doing is bullying, which might put them on the defensive and trip them up. If you’re going to do this, be prepared with what you want to say, don’t attack them, and be specific about their behavior – in other words, shouting “Stop bullying me” is just not going to get you the results you want.

Don’t just sit there and take it

If your bully is in your workplace, as they often are, you might need to take action in order to make sure you’re able to function properly at work. After all, the bullying is their problem, not yours, and you have the right to be left alone to complete your responsibilities. Remember, you should never let a bully force you to even consider giving up your job; instead you should: illustration of two people sitting across from each other with blue conversation bubbles

Speak to a supervisor or someone in HR about the situation, as well as asking that you be moved as far from them as possible.
Document everything by taking screenshots and saving emails so that you can back up your claims.
Limit your contact with them by blocking them on everything except necessary work communication.
Find out if anyone else is a victim of your bully, and form a posse, so to speak, and use the old strength in numbers trick – after all, most bullies are weak and will not want to be confronted by a group of people.

All of the above tips can also be used if the bully is in your social sphere: speak to someone you trust, document any threats or harassment, limit your contact with them, and try to band together with any other victims of the bullies (or people who are your allies).

Speak up and stay safe

Finally, one of the most important things to remember when dealing with a bully: you need to keep yourself safe in these situations, whether it’s guarding your mental health or making sure that you aren’t in physical danger. You need to speak up, and that can mean talking to:

Your supervisor or HR rep, as noted above
A friend or family member that you can vent to in more minor situations – remember, they might be sick of this toxic person as well
A therapist who can assess the level of threat against you
If necessary, a community resource or someone in law enforcement if you’re in danger
A crisis hotline

If you’re dealing with a bully as an adult, remember that you’re definitely not alone! And while it can feel overwhelming and distressing to have the shadow of this toxic person in your life, know that you don’t have to take it. Be assertive if you can and it’s safe to do so, and hold them accountable for their words and actions – and don’t ever hesitate to speak up and get the help you need.